Distancing

Autumn has the best weather in Bhutan. The sky is blue and clear. It’s warm outside. There are no clouds, but there is a cold wind in the afternoon and evening. The night is starting to get cold. It’s fantastic.

Unfortunately, normally I lose the joy of the season, because I am in mourning and very stressed.  I hope this year will be different than the others.  We will see.

I think my problem is twofold.  There is the death of my friend and all the trauma of that, but also I need help dealing with the trauma and the pain.  The need for help creates its own problems in my mind.

It was the impact of mistrust in my family and the difficulties in dealing with emotions that caused my mother to reject me. I anticipate his offspring and also the manner of his offspring, with contempt and disgust. I need help and I remember the experience of being looked down upon and disgusting, but I cannot understand my own image.

It’s like a monster dwells inside my heart.

My mother lacks empathy and the world looks different if you don’t feel other people’s emotions.  I can’t explain the difference well, but I know it.

Disgust is an emotional reaction similar to fear. It causes us to move away from danger, but not to flee. Disgust protects us from disease– not from fearsome predators.

Disgust is also used by society to enforce the rules and habits of a people or a culture.

My mother tried to sort out her emotions by creating a society of one person. She cannot tolerate a separation caused by having different needs or independence for the same reason she was disgusted with me – her own mother was disgusted with her.

My mother needed to move away from me, because my perspective was foreig to her and also she was so overwhelmed with emotions that she couldn’t imagine a solution to solving the problem.  She felt trapped in painful emotions with no escape.

The combination of emotions and an ability to organize thoughts allow us to imagine solutions.  This is used by people who are categorized as “secure.”  They have emotions, they respond, they solve the problem.

However, for my mother, it was not possible. She cannot organize an approach that will solve the problem. Her brain stops working very easily. She needed to get away from her problems – like me.